Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
