last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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