Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
