we have officially lost it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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