I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
