i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
