Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
