C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
