I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
my liver is dry heaving
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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