You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
