"it" just moved
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
