It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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