I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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