I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
