there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
