i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize