My first STD was from a foam party
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
