Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
