the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
