Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
