Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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