you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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