did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
BRING THE BAGELS
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize