I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
