I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
