My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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