i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
