Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
