At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish you could order shots online.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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