Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
