Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
