I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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