So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
