it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Couch. On fire.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
