we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
