You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
