Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
