remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
