I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
