then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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