As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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