I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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