i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
