Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
