He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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