After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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