she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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