After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
