I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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