So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
