Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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