i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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