the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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