Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
