I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
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I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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