I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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