im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
